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Subconscious thoughts

So I had a HUGE moment of enlightenment today

Currently I for a fact know that I’m wrestling with these feelings of fulfillment. I just graduated and I’m still trying to figure out life, what makes me happy, if I made the right decision.

Im constantly wondering what next step I need to take. New job? Relocate? Anything!?

And I quieted my thoughts by saying regardless of what I do I will never be fulfilled because that’s what life is about and the theories I have been taught in school.

So I did try to ignore these thoughts, UNTIL my psychology degree started to go to work.

This morning I just realized, I keep having the same 2 dreams. They’re about me being scared to go to prison and me physically fighting people.

Although, I’m not all into interpreting stuff I found it pretty interesting what those themes mean.

Prison: feelings of imprisonment, feeling stuck and incapable moving, trapped, restricted, wanting freedom

Physical fights: feelings of conflicts, inner turmoil, there is a problem in your life to solve

And while I am not someone who is into reading too much into things, I find it so interesting how connected my emotions and body are. And regardless of what you hide and ignore, the body never lies.

At this point, I’m still wondering what I’m searching for? What do I do to address this feelings and thoughts?

It’s so hard to describe these thoughts to my friends because when I tried, someone asked what’s wrong with me. I don’t think anything is wrong with me and I’m not depressed. I’m just not content, yet?

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Post Graduate Feels

At the moment my emotions, feelings, and thoughts are all over the place and I’m not sure why.

I feel a little incomplete, confused, and wanting something more, but I really don’t know what it is.

I just finished graduate school, I have a job in my field, and I got a promotion. But it’s not enough. And as thankful as I am I almost feel that some of my feelings come from the world letting me down. I was able to follow this “traditional plan” (that’s slowly becoming obsolete), but now what’s next? Do I just continue to climb up and he corporate ladder? That’s not enough.

I’m also realizing that throughout life my time has always been occupied with obligations, activities, and people. Now I finally have my time back to do what I want and I don’t know what to do. I made myself busy and picked up a few hobbies, but I’m still in need.

And it’s really bothering me that I don’t know what is it. Do I move? Do I quit my job? I’m already traveling, but what’s next. And some may say a relationship, but I can’t comprehend why would I search to add someone else to my life when I’m still figuring out myself? How can I expect someone to like me when I don’t even know me.

I wake up everyday wanting more, but don’t know where to take from

Words of a confused 20 something year old

When the World Defines You

Where the world is going kind of concerns me

I’m grateful for all of the advances made and how far we came, but these changes bring some problems

Yes technology is convenient, but it’s doing something to the human race, all generations

And I know people talk about this all the time, but I’m still a little concerned

It amazes me how some people are addicted to social media, getting likes, messages, always being connected, always with a phone in their hand. Yet some of these people are the ones who hate making phone calls or never text back.

It amazes me how hard it is to make plans. My friends always like my photos, but when I want to have a conversation I can never seem to connect with them. I’m always left waiting and plans are canceled. It’s honestly disrespectful and I’m sure if it was there boss contacting them the response would be within minutes.

But I digress

What I’m really concerned about is people’s obsession with what other people think and how their viewed. I am definitely a victim of this and for this reason my accounts have been deactivated.

It’s really sad because social media was made to make getting connected easier, but the effects on mental health are spiraling out of control. Especially when identity, gender, and race are involved. Because of course we want the world to see the best of us. I commended those who let the world see them at their highs and lows.

I just really worry sometimes about the things I see and the brainwashing in process

It’s really scary and I really appreciate the moments where I can disconnect

And still be happy

*this is just a vent I needed to get off my chest

We live in a world

That places an emphasis on relationships, therefore a majority of us are seeking validation from others. When we simply need to learn how to be happy with ourselves.

Significance in the Difference

Sometimes I wake up and wish I wasn’t so different

I call it educated, some call it ignorant

I can’t help seeing things the way I do

My perception shaped by personal experiences

It was during my teenage years I knew, that I wasn’t attracted to what the other teens were into

I used every outlet to attract a interest from sports to television

So brainwashed I started mimicking

Until I ended up in trouble

That was my wake up call

Wishing that I could fit into the norms that society created

After I studied abroad that was when I knew it was okay

Okay to not be mainstream

To disagree with whats trending on social media

To not care what the Kardashians are doing

To not want to go out for the 4th night in a row with hopes of seeing that cute kid from class

To not buy expensive clothes to symbolize the wealth I wish I had when in reality my collections of shoes put me in debt

But it’s hard

Because when I wake up and go to work people like me aren’t there

I can’t relate to a coffee drinker because I love tea

I can’t participate in a conversation about Monday’s because I’m thankful for each and everyday

I don’t waste a whole week talking about the weekend, because I like to live each day like it’s my last

Because I’m learning to accept myself, my flaws and differences

And to not dumb myself down for people who aren’t on my level

but to learn to walk away

America and this stupid “plan”.

The more I follow the plan the more I feel like my life is wasting away. Sacrificing years of my life to school, to get a piece of paper to acquire a job. A job I’m suppose to love, but in actuality I’ll hate it soon. The job that expects me to slave away. When in return they’ll give nothing. Working in HR has taught me so much.

Maybe it’s not the job, but more so the people. And I shouldn’t let the people phase me, but they do. Being brought together with people you never planned on crossing paths with. Who wouldn’t go crazy. Okay, maybe I’m a dramatic introvert.

It amazes me how people prioritize security over living life. Working at the same company for 10 years. Continuing to do the same routine they hate. I’m scared my life will come to that. It’s hard to distance myself from the negativity, when it surrounds me.

For once I wish people would embrace it all. Stop complaining about Mondays, wishing for Fridays and doing nothing in between. Letting the time waste away.

Also stop judging me for living.

How else am I suppose to keep sanity.

Lie

I’m dissapointed filled with embarrassment and stupidity

I really didn’t think this was possible, but it happened

and it sucks

Why is it that I learn the most, from experiences that cause damage

Kinda wish it never happened

Why was I vulnerable

Why did I care

Why did I wait

When you lied

I believed in us and dreamed of all the possibilities

Took a risk and you failed

Why did you lie

I wish I could forget everything

Because what hurts the most is knowing I did something different

I took my barrier down and gave you my heart

But you just took it and threw it away

Can I recover?

Telling everyone I’m okay when I’m honestly just filled with tears

The best is that you don’t care

But I’m ready to say goodbye

Because of you

Who would of thought within 4 months, he changed my life forever.

 

Not the country, but you. Yes the culture shock was a bit to adapt to. But the biggest challenge was you. Understanding you, being with you, loving you. and I enjoyed every moment of it.

The challenge like a breathe of fresh air. You were so different and yes I have to admit I was scared because I didn’t think I was enough. Till this day I always wonder what if? But I can write and dream about that forever.

I just want you to know that today, basically a year ago from when we met I think of you. And even though we don’t speak, I’d like to say you’re on my mind all the time.

Not in that way, but you know how you affected me. How I think, what I do, what I wear. How I see and treat people. What to expect from others.

I just wish I could read you this and let you know, but I’m still waiting for you to respond to our 2 week old conversation.. .  not that you left me on read, but the message is sitting there and it says delivered. .  so now what?

I guess I’ll just wait 5 months, untill I’m back in you’re country, who knows maybe i’ll read this.

I just thought you wanted to know, you changed my everything. I can never go back, you introduced me to world I never knew before.. . and I love it.

I love me

 

I just wanted to say thanks and I’m sorry.

Dear 30 year old self

I hope you remember this moment, where you were 22 years young. Juggling the life of a full time job and grad school and everything in between.

Currently you just finished up the group project that you did the day before, but still got an A… but you did sacrifice going to home coming.

Also remember how you loved your job. Learning the ins and outs of HR.

But one thing or maybe even a few things that bothered you was whats next? Am i doing the right things, is this what I want. At this moment I’m proud to say I’m still confident i the choices I make. Even though I prefer to travel the world than go to grad school, but hey we’re just gonna hope it all works out.

You also are struggling with a social life because when you are free, you just want to breathe and take in the world around you.. by yourself. Remember that time when guys impacted your life. Now you’re afraid to even open that door because you know no one will compare to him.

I hope at 30, your happy and proud of where you are. Remember to do what makes YOU happy. Actually enjoy life now, since you don’t have school to drag you down. Live everyday like its friday, sleep when your dead… just like study abroad haha

love

self

 

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