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Significance in the Difference

Sometimes I wake up and wish I wasn’t so different

I call it educated, some call it ignorant

I can’t help seeing things the way I do

My perception shaped by personal experiences

It was during my teenage years I knew, that I wasn’t attracted to what the other teens were into

I used every outlet to attract a interest from sports to television

So brainwashed I started mimicking

Until I ended up in trouble

That was my wake up call

Wishing that I could fit into the norms that society created

After I studied abroad that was when I knew it was okay

Okay to not be mainstream

To disagree with whats trending on social media

To not care what the Kardashians are doing

To not want to go out for the 4th night in a row with hopes of seeing that cute kid from class

To not buy expensive clothes to symbolize the wealth I wish I had when in reality my collections of shoes put me in debt

But it’s hard

Because when I wake up and go to work people like me aren’t there

I can’t relate to a coffee drinker because I love tea

I can’t participate in a conversation about Monday’s because I’m thankful for each and everyday

I don’t waste a whole week talking about the weekend, because I like to live each day like it’s my last

Because I’m learning to accept myself, my flaws and differences

And to not dumb myself down for people who aren’t on my level

but to learn to walk away

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The first time is the last

She always found happiness in the unknown, unexpected people and places.

She contemplated writing a book because her friends never believed her. Probably because the life she lived was based on chance.

She would tell herself stop living in the moment.

But she always managed to meet someone new. Who changes everything, without even knowing it.

So she met someone. And when she was with him nothing else mattered. Her problems disappeared. He made her forgot about why she was upset. And the situation she’s dealing with right now. She was embraced with love and surrounded by happiness. Because the connection between them was intense and unique. She never met him before, but felt so comfortable. As if she knew him her whole life. They were so different, but that’s what made it better. Because they were both able to look past that, which made the attraction stronger. He was her breath of fresh air. The connection between them was so unexpected, probably why she didn’t want the romance to end. But it had too. And when it did she felt melancholy. Everything that he made her forget started to rush back to her head. She was disappointed because reality started to settle and she knew this was her first and probably last time seeing him. But she’s okay with that. All moments make great memories. She needed to meet someone like him, even if once. To refresh her life and perspective. To relight the hope in her heart.

And so it happened.

 

America and this stupid “plan”.

The more I follow the plan the more I feel like my life is wasting away. Sacrificing years of my life to school, to get a piece of paper to acquire a job. A job I’m suppose to love, but in actuality I’ll hate it soon. The job that expects me to slave away. When in return they’ll give nothing. Working in HR has taught me so much.

Maybe it’s not the job, but more so the people. And I shouldn’t let the people phase me, but they do. Being brought together with people you never planned on crossing paths with. Who wouldn’t go crazy. Okay, maybe I’m a dramatic introvert.

It amazes me how people prioritize security over living life. Working at the same company for 10 years. Continuing to do the same routine they hate. I’m scared my life will come to that. It’s hard to distance myself from the negativity, when it surrounds me.

For once I wish people would embrace it all. Stop complaining about Mondays, wishing for Fridays and doing nothing in between. Letting the time waste away.

Also stop judging me for living.

How else am I suppose to keep sanity.

Lie

I’m dissapointed filled with embarrassment and stupidity

I really didn’t think this was possible, but it happened

and it sucks

Why is it that I learn the most, from experiences that cause damage

Kinda wish it never happened

Why was I vulnerable

Why did I care

Why did I wait

When you lied

I believed in us and dreamed of all the possibilities

Took a risk and you failed

Why did you lie

I wish I could forget everything

Because what hurts the most is knowing I did something different

I took my barrier down and gave you my heart

But you just took it and threw it away

Can I recover?

Telling everyone I’m okay when I’m honestly just filled with tears

The best is that you don’t care

But I’m ready to say goodbye

Because of you

Who would of thought within 4 months, he changed my life forever.

 

Not the country, but you. Yes the culture shock was a bit to adapt to. But the biggest challenge was you. Understanding you, being with you, loving you. and I enjoyed every moment of it.

The challenge like a breathe of fresh air. You were so different and yes I have to admit I was scared because I didn’t think I was enough. Till this day I always wonder what if? But I can write and dream about that forever.

I just want you to know that today, basically a year ago from when we met I think of you. And even though we don’t speak, I’d like to say you’re on my mind all the time.

Not in that way, but you know how you affected me. How I think, what I do, what I wear. How I see and treat people. What to expect from others.

I just wish I could read you this and let you know, but I’m still waiting for you to respond to our 2 week old conversation.. .  not that you left me on read, but the message is sitting there and it says delivered. .  so now what?

I guess I’ll just wait 5 months, untill I’m back in you’re country, who knows maybe i’ll read this.

I just thought you wanted to know, you changed my everything. I can never go back, you introduced me to world I never knew before.. . and I love it.

I love me

 

I just wanted to say thanks and I’m sorry.

Dear 30 year old self

I hope you remember this moment, where you were 22 years young. Juggling the life of a full time job and grad school and everything in between.

Currently you just finished up the group project that you did the day before, but still got an A… but you did sacrifice going to home coming.

Also remember how you loved your job. Learning the ins and outs of HR.

But one thing or maybe even a few things that bothered you was whats next? Am i doing the right things, is this what I want. At this moment I’m proud to say I’m still confident i the choices I make. Even though I prefer to travel the world than go to grad school, but hey we’re just gonna hope it all works out.

You also are struggling with a social life because when you are free, you just want to breathe and take in the world around you.. by yourself. Remember that time when guys impacted your life. Now you’re afraid to even open that door because you know no one will compare to him.

I hope at 30, your happy and proud of where you are. Remember to do what makes YOU happy. Actually enjoy life now, since you don’t have school to drag you down. Live everyday like its friday, sleep when your dead… just like study abroad haha

love

self

 

At that phase in life

Somewhere between replaying moments I wish I didn’t regret

and dying to know whats to come. Trying to figure out whats next, whats me

Solo Road

When I realize those who I thought were friends are the last person in my corner.

Everyday I’m fed negative comments and defeating statements. Why are you trying to put me down? Why what I do is not good enough in your eyes? Question my life, my moves, and my choices. Constantly comparing our lives, yet you dominate every time. I don’t understand, I though we were friends? Peers? But I realize once you got to know me, you felt a need to be better than me.

I was always humble, and I never boasted so why? Why do they question me? Why am I judge? All I am trying to do is become better. Advance myself and do whats best. Just like you. . .

Why does it matter whose ahead or what steps they used to get there. Were all in the game?

 

 

Maybe one day I’ll make a genuine friend in my post grad life. One day someone will stop judging me. A relationship where jealousy has no home because support and love over come.

The more I wait for you

The less of me is left

 

I deteriorate away

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